Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
