I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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