I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
