Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
