i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
