there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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