just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
