I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
