it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
