Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
