Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
