bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
