My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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