i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
