hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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