take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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