i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
