I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
