So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm getting married
To pizza
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
