dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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