the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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