I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
