Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
