Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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