My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
