Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
