I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize