Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
