We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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