You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
