When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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