Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I met the friendliest cop last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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