I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize