After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
