If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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