when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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