considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
