Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
