My liver just broke up with me...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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