Swine flu is the new snow day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
