We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize