Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
