Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
