You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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