I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My vagina just recognized that song.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
