i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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