i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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