I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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