Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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