Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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