Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
