I am in a vortex of obligation.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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