It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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