It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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