All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
