My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
