he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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