Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
