I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
