Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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