I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
