i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
