I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
