The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
