why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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