Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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