just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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