She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
