My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
