I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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