somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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