i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
