tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What a dumb baby whore.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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