I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
